OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
