Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
