She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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