If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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