Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
