Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I came so hard my ears popped.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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