So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
i need some magic done to my vagina
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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