Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
