ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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