you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Randomize
