Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Ladies don't puke and tell
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
