you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
