I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
