I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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