tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
