Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
