and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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