Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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