This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
