I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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