Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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