There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
