Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
