how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
