almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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