I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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