i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
