my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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