'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
