if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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