I will die if light touches me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
