grandma shit on top of the toilet
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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