8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize