The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
is it fun? or sober?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
