Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
