she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
