I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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