I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
