Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
