$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
