I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
