Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
