So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
