Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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