take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
