it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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