I wish I could teleport
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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