She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
