He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
