her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
