That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
