this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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