When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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