So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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