I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
