feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
